Weltschmerz
by Salty Peanuts
Summary: If we lived in an alternate universe, would you have married me? A story about a love affair that lasted longer than it should have. Howard x Raj
1. Chapter 1

I don't own BBT.

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><p>After nodding a thanks to the barista, Raj took a few seconds to bore into his drink's deep dark depths, like most regular coffee drinkers would. He decided that it passed his makeshift visual assessment of taste, and took a slight sip. Moderately strong, therefore palatable. He was glad that they chose this local joint over Starbucks, in which the coffee tasted like old piss at its best, its Sunday morning best. Raj rolled his eyes at that thought, sighed slightly, and leaned back into his chair. He didn't know why, but he was just not having a good day.<p>

Nevertheless, Raj glanced up dutifully to his friend, Bernadette, who was talking with her hands just as excitedly as she was with her mouth about how she found the perfect little shop that agreed to do floral arrangements for her wedding. She, and her fiancé Howard, who sat next to her and was looking at her fondly, were to be married in a few days. Raj nodded attentively as she spoke, and even smiled a bit. He couldn't help but feel slightly happier for her. Everything sounded good bubbling from her lips. Heck, the girl was sunshine in her whole essence.

Raj was relieved that Bernadette was able to maintain her cheerful air despite her early pregnancy, at least around him and the rest of the group. He knew, from horror stories told by a shaking Howard, that she had a reclusive, yet explosive temper that "could tear asunder the whole solar system if you pissed her off enough".

Raj was glad he was not marrying Bernadette.

Absent-mindedly, Raj shifted his gaze to Howard, whose mood seemed more pleasant than his own. He could tell by simply looking into his eyes, which were glowing in a mild, lukewarm green today. Howard immediately met his gaze and curled his mouth slightly in acknowledgement. His cheeks flushed a darker pink as he released his smile and channelled his attention back onto his fiancée. Raj thought it was probably due to the heat. He sighed again; Pasadena became quite hot in the summer indeed.

It was when Raj gulped the last sour bit of the coffee and set his mug on his napkin for good that he noticed Howard had barely touched his drink. No, he had been fixating on Bernadette for all this time, who was just about to wrap up the last bit of some other epic tale she seemed to be engrossed in telling. But, during the whole two consecutive epic tales she told, Raj saw that Howard's eyes did not away from her for a second. Was she really _that _fascinating?

Howard did eventually catch Raj staring at him again, and grooved his eyebrows upwards curiously. Raj shrugged his shoulders carelessly in response, though he was beginning to feel slightly irritated on the inside. Howard had become so much more reserved since he began his relationship with Bernadette. But what Raj was concerned about was how immediately his friend had sunk into manhood. He had destroyed his previously beloved collection of Hentai only days after Bernadette became his girlfriend. There now existed this newly found, but uncomfortable reticence in his character. If Howard had caught Raj just stupidly staring at him months before, he would have at least said something. Out loud. But spoken words weren't good enough for the new Howard Wolowitz. Instead, he held up his drink with his right hand, while his left hand unnecessarily cupped the bottom of the mug, and took a pretentious gulp. Raj couldn't help but smile a tad at how Howard winced at the bitterness.

It was the first time Howard drank his coffee black.

What a douche.

Except to slip a couple of sugar packets across the table, Raj stayed still and silent for the rest of the hours they had in the coffee shop. He blamed the weather for his unusually bad mood.

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><p>"Hey buddy."<p>

The first time Howard spoke to Raj today was when they were taking a late afternoon stroll down a particularly shady path in the park downtown. While Bernadette continued to walk ahead, Howard stayed behind with Raj, who had now become _ostensibly_ downcast. But he was not actually downcast, he was irritated, so irritated that Howard's walking beside him, friendly hello, and even his putting an arm around his shoulder was not enough to lull him. Raj couldn't figure out what had caused his guts to tie in such a dead knot; he was now so mad that he couldn't even think logically. He didn't care anymore, he felt like being a bitch, and the world had better like it.

"Don't touch me." Raj whispered coarsely, shoving Howard's petite frame aside. Good thing the smaller boy didn't fall, and Bernadette didn't notice.

Slightly insulted, Howard dusted off the punch and quickly caught up to Raj. Raj, whose mind was too flustered to feel guilt or spare an apology, simply stepped aside and kept walking, never minding the fact that his feet were stomping loudly on the pavement, like a child in a fit. He would have walked straight out of the trail and into a bush or something if it hadn't been for Howard's body that acted as a bony, shaky wall for him to practically tackle into.

"Dude, tell me, what's _wrong_?" Howard asked, his eyes narrowed, lips parted in concern. Raj could feel waves of his nervous breath being blown onto his face. They smelled like the Tic Tacs he had popped in a few moments ago. They were standing awkwardly close to each other.

Shouldn't it have been obvious to him why Raj was so upset? Raj didn't know the reason himself, but surely Howard, his supposed best friend should have figured it out before he did? No, he now had far better things to which to pay attention. So why should Howard care about plain old Raj? God, when was the last time they did anything together, _alone_?

But Howard did care, whether it was by his gingerly combing Raj's hair away from his face, his softly petting off sweat from his forehead like one would a puppy, or his smiling sheepishly in response to his grumpy pout. He pinched Raj's cheek playfully, and swept his thumb across his cheek to make him smile. Raj gave in and smiled, shyly. It wasn't as if Howard was going to kiss him in public or anything.

"You coming, pal?" Howard asked.

Raj nodded. He could never stay mad at his friend for too long, after all.

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><p>It was now evening, and everyone was sitting on a park bench facing the river. The stagnant, suffocating air had been swept away by a convenient breeze, nature's own form of AC. In the distance, dying sunlight danced from the endless band of chrome skyscrapers that brimmed the horizon. It also lit up the murky, semi-polluted water in the river that now sparkled with its new crystalline coating. Raj loved seeing American sunsets- how richly the blues, purples, and reds glowed, how proudly Venus stood in the immaculately clear sky dome. He could never see sights like this in India. Too much smog.<p>

Howard sat on the other side of the bench with one arm wrapped around Bernie's shoulders, and his other palm rested with hers on her small, bulging stomach. They whispered and laughed, held each other close, their fingers intertwined lovingly. Raj, who was now feeling a bit drowsy, found himself indulging in the fantasy in which the couple were completely alone, the sole inhabitants of what was this 3-D painting of a modern fairytale. It was like watching a romance movie unfold right before his eyes. It was perfect, like they had just leaped into life right from Andersen's pages. _They_ were perfect, Raj thought, despite the fact that his own arm only had the wooden bench to hold.

At first, Raj almost jumped up from where he was sitting when he felt a warm hand hold his. But after realizing who's it was, he figured he could get used to it.

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><p>Please review.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

The acrid smell of things burning tackled into Howard's nostrils the moment he walked into Raj's apartment. There was enough smoke in the air to have set off ten smoke detectors, but he supposed Raj must had disconnected them all in advance in order to concentrate on a more sophisticated task for a scientist of his calibre. Cooking. Judging from the displeased pout on Raj's face that managed to poke through all the filth in the air, said task has been a fail. Raj was almost thirty, and was one of the smartest people he, and the rest of America knew. Heck, he had discovered another potentially habitable planet just last week, and yet, the poor boy couldn't make anything more than PBJ sandwiches in the kitchen to save his sorry ass.

Smiling and shaking his head, Howard tip-toed over to Raj, minding not to step on approximately 75% of the kitchen floor that would soil his new shoes. "Hello pal," he said his usual sarcastic greeting, giving a slumping Raj a huge hug. God, he was a mess.

"Hey," Raj mumbled, looking down embarrassingly at his apron, or what used to be an apron.

"Need a little help there?" Howard asked, though he clearly didn't have to. There was a little piece of what looked like cookie dough stuck on Raj's nose, which he leaned over and bit off playfully. It didn't actually taste bad, it tasted... terrible. Raj eagerly nodded his head in return, which was now pressed against Howard's.

Though Howard was no chef, he had watched his mother work away in the kitchen often enough to have somewhat of an idea on how to make chocolate chip cookies. At least he had enough common sense to not put all of humanity in danger when baking.

"This tastes much better," Raj said, rolling around the little bite he had taken from a new cookie in his mouth thoughtfully, looking mildly impressed.

Of course it did, because at least Raj's lips did not taste like vomit this time.

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><p><em>God, Raj has so many knots in his hair today... <em>

It was as if the more Howard combed it with his fingers, the more messy it became. Howard was beginning to feel frustrated at the boy lying on top of him who was too spoiled to tidy his own hair, leaving him to do the dirty job instead. Messy hair pissed Howard off to no end, especially Raj's. Though he supposed he could push Raj off of him and the couch upon which they were both sprawling, but Howard felt too lazy to actually do that. The couch was too comfy. He had a really bad case of sugar crash. And he was so cold, but Raj was so damn warm... After all, the wedding was in two days, and he would be leaving with Bernadette on their honeymoon shortly after. Which meant this would be the last time he would get to hang out with Raj for a long time. So, since his hair was going to be uncombed for weeks, Howard decided that he wasn't going to stop now.

"Hey," Raj piped up randomly after it had become quiet for a while, "In the new Thor movie, why did they pick a Japanese guy to play Hogun?"

Howard cocked his head back in surprise; where the hell did this come from?

Howard was much too brain dead to be arguing extensively over anything right now. But Raj did bring up a good point. _What went wrong in their heads that made them choose a Japanese man __to play a Norse warrior?_ Surely it must have been more than a simple casting fail. Though he was definitely in no mood to think right now, he knew this was going to bother him for days. He loved the comics too much for it not to. Jesus Christ, he knew he would be thinking about _this_ when having beach sex with Bernadette on their honeymoon.

"Damn it, Raj, why did you bring this up now?"

Raj giggled evilly into Howard's chest, " 'Cause I'll miss you," he said.

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><p>There was only an hour left before the wedding, but Howard insisted on giving himself some time alone. Though the church's downstairs washroom was dirty, smelt of urine, and infested with pests, he felt oddly comfortable being here. Probably because this was the last place where anyone would think the groom would be hiding. Leaning against the desk of sinks, Howard resorted to taking a few, slow, deep breaths, and splashed some cold water onto his face to try to calm those twitching, biting nerves that had been driving him insane all day. The water felt cool on his sweaty skin, dripping down his hair, his neck. At this moment, Howard didn't really care that his shirt and bow tie were wet, nor that his hair would have to be meticulously sculpted again.<p>

He really needed this right now.

Howard Wolowitz was the kind of person who has his whole life planned out before he'd step a foot out the door. He was to go to university to eventually find a cheap engineering job that would wring in enough cash to keep a girlfriend to whom he would eventually marry. They'd have kids and settle down together in a middle-class suburban home. Simply, this was to be his life, and everything he had done so far was to inch him closer to this ultimate goal. So, Howard told himself that he should feel happy for his being married to Bernadette. She was the best girl he had ever found. She was sweet, kind, caring, loving, and not to mention, very pretty. She must be looking even prettier right now in the dress that he picked out for her, waiting to be taken into his arms. The wedding was going to go smoothly, and so was this marriage, Howard mentally assured himself, while still trying to catch his breath. Howard has finally found a girl who loved him, and he could never ask for more than that in a wife, right?

"You are nervous." came a soft voice from behind him, pulling Howard out of his thoughts. He lifted his head to see, in the filthy, cracking mirror, Raj's tall, straight figure stalking towards him.

"No I'm not," Howard snapped back, turning to face him, slightly cringing at the sight of his best man who looked much more put-together than he was.

Raj smiled and shook his head, "Yes you are," he teased, looking down at his friend and ruffled his hair that now looked like wet dog fur. Howard opened his mouth to protest, but was shushed by Raj placing a long finger gently on his lips.

"You look shitty, dude," He chuckled, as he took out a comb and began to redo Howard's hair. His nimble hands moved about Howard's treads like an expert, like he had done this many times before. His tugs were gentle and soothing, not rough and careless. It felt like Howard was getting his hair done by a mother he never had. Though, Howard did almost wish Raj's perfect hands would tear at his scalp, just once. He needed something to get angry with right now to unleash all of his pent-up emotion upon. But unfortunately, he now looked like a brand-new groom, thanks to Raj. Howard almost sighed as Raj smiled proudly at his broken reflection in the mirror, wrapped his arms around the waist of his finished work, and slipped his comb into Howard's coat pocket.

"Okay, now you are ready."

"Uh, not yet." Howard answered quickly. Without thinking, he turned around, stood on his toes, and kissed his taller friend with all the ferocity he could muster. Raj, who stumbled back in surprise and broke the kiss, lost his balance to the slippery bathroom tiles and fell. Howard pounced all four of his skinny limbs onto Raj, making sure both bodies landed flat onto the cold floor, panting and heaving, darting into each other's eyes.

All Howard could manage to do afterwards was laugh, at how his hands were in Raj's, their fingers weaving delicately with one another, at how simply adorable Raj looked, all dressed up and pinned underneath him, like a big doll, at how he and his best friend both ended up alone on the floor of a downstairs bathroom of the church in which he was soon to be married. Howard didn't care anymore either, so all he could do was laugh.

"Fine, make this one count," Raj grumbled bitterly against Howard's lips, "You won't be seeing me for a whole month."

Howard returned his kiss hungrily and ran a hand down Raj's now unbuttoned shirt, making a mental note to take his jealous lover on a honeymoon of their own someday.

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><p>Please review, ffs. I'll update sooner if you do. :)<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

The reception party could not be any more perfect, Howard thought, as his eyes surveyed the events taking place on the... freaking humongous church patio, when stood in proportion to the dingy-sized building. The stainlessly clear evening sky suggested not even the remotest chance of rain, and the sun hadn't been beating that hard all day, so it wasn't hot. God had been gracious to grant him such good tuxedo-wearing weather. Or else, having to stand in a humid, dusty sermon hall in such heavy clothing would have been a nightmare. Howard hated looking gross. But all was good now, the vows were said, the ceremony was over, and everyone was out here enjoying themselves. There was slow dance music playing from the speakers, food on the table, drinks by the bar, and pretty much everyone from Howard's and Bernadette's lives were there. Everything was in its proper place, and all in all, Howard deemed the reception a success.

Howard withdrew from his thoughts and focused back on Bernadette and the circle of friends they were entertaining. She was two months pregnant, and still looked beautiful. Her hair had been pulled back into an intentionally loose bun that allowed strands of golden locks to drape elegantly about her face. She wore her wedding gown as well as he thought she would. Though it was white and simple, it flattered her curves graciously. Holy hell, she had an awesome body, Howard thought, rolling his eyes down his bride's waistline. He bent down to give her a quick kiss, after dismissing the thought that his new wife probably wouldn't stay this beautiful forever. He was going to have a great time, Howard told himself, and he wasn't going to allow any bad thoughts to ruin this day. He just got laid, got married, and his fat mother hadn't managed to do anything embarrassing so far. Plus, he was going to have even more fun tonight.

"I still can't believe you'd be the first one of us to get married, Howard," Leonard said after a while in an almost sarcastic way, wearing his big, dumbass grin.

"Me neither," Howard chuckled, raising his half-empty wine glass in cheers.

Perhaps it took the physical click with Leonard's glass for it to click in Howard's head that everything was not as perfect as he had thought. No, something _was_ wrong, but he felt too dumbfounded by his own happiness want to figure out what.

"Oh, I love this song, Howie." Bernadette chirped brightly, snatching Howard into reality again. "Let's go dance."

Slightly put off about being so suddenly interrupted, Howard mumbled, "Okay, dear," and allowed himself to be dragged away by a happy, prancing Bernadette.

They ran across the lawn and onto the building's large wooden deck which had been turned into a provisional bar and dance floor. Some slow song that Howard didn't care to recognize was being blasted from the speakers to which they were standing way too close. Howard put his hands on Bernadette's hips while she wrapped her arms around his neck, like they would have done at prom. Howard smirked at the thought that he was living his teenage dream in his late twenties.

Bernadette was looking as happy as he had been, all smiling and giggling for no real reason. The one glass of wine she had earlier was not sitting too well in her little catholic body. She kept floating to and fro to the music until Howard couldn't even hold her anymore. Howard sighed. When Bernadette drank, she became more elated, more fluttery. But all that drinking did to him was bring up issues that he had previously suppressed when sober. Damn it, all the things he didn't want to think about were crawling back up to his consciousness like bitter vomit. Issues that he had intentionally forgotten long ago were now attacking his mind like brokers during a stock market crash. Childhood disappointments, career failures, romantic hopelessness. Howard felt himself collapse onto the wooden floor, only to have his balance miraculously restored by his equally intoxicated, laughing wife.

... Where the hell is Raj?

Howard hated alcohol, and all the weird things it did to him.

"Hello Penny," came Raj's flirty, douchebag voice from where Howard believed the bar was. See, drinking may had made Bernadette a hopping bunny, Howard a self-loathing sack of shit, it made Raj the self-proclaimed King of Queens, much to Howard's disgust.

Howard couldn't remember exactly what Raj's pick up line had been, other than that it had been just bluntly sexual enough to have earned him a slap on the face if he had hit on Howard like that instead. However, Penny, as usual, replied with merely a dry laugh and a cutting remark. Drunken, horny Raj, of course, refused to take "no" for an answer, and continued to toss pointless line after pointless line at a nervously polite Penny who seemed ready to empty her martini glass on him anytime now.

That bastard, trying to get lucky with someone else when Howard was just standing three feet away. How much of a genius did Raj have to be to think that Penny could satisfy him, when Howard apparently couldn't? There was nothing Penny could do that he couldn't do better. Besides, she was too beautiful. She was way out of his league. Seeing him like that made Howard sick to his stomach, his coming on to Penny looked more awkward than an obese chick in low-rider jeans.

Howard was now too buzzed to admit, even to himself, that he wanted Raj all to himself. The sight before him made him rattle, shake uncontrollably in white-hot anger. He knew he _had_ to do something, drastic, to save his own breath. He looked around, like a child lost in the woods, for an outlet, any outlet. He felt completely blind. The blood blasting in his ear made him not able to even hear his own crazy, nonsensical mutters. If Howard had a conscience at that time, he would have only blamed the alcohol, and nothing else, for his insanity.

Bernadette had been blissfully oblivious to everything that was going on until her husband dove down and stole from her a long, suffocating kiss. Mistaking his fury for newlywed passion, she returned the favour with all that she could muster, despite the fact that his kiss felt more like rape.

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><p>It was one of those rare rainy, chilly days in the smack middle of August, the kind of weather that disappointed the avid beach-lover as much as it relieved them of the blasting heat. Though Rajesh Koothrappali had chickened out of becoming an avid beach-lover decades ago, he still much preferred the sky to look a vivid, glassy blue as opposed to having to stare into a grey abyss swirling stalker-ishly above the cityscape. He had a tendency to subscribe to pathetic fallacy, and therefore, he was feeling as dreary as the cold, wet winds that were smacking his face. He smiled lazily, more at himself than the stupid weather.<p>

He turned back to his kitchen table, where at its centre stood a silver, rather antique-looking candelabra. Raj sat three new candles snugly into its three branches, and lit them with a small cigarette lighter he took from his coat pocket. Raj was starting to feel warmer already, just from looking at those three starry flames twinkling cutely at him. The table also sat a bottle of aged red wine and a couple of glasses that Raj had placed across from each other. He nodded, satisfied with his setup, sat down, and took a sip from one arbitrarily chosen glass.

Raj enjoyed the finer things in life.

He looked across the table at the other glass of wine, standing alone. Whenever Raj drank by himself, he'd always fill another glass, not to drink, but just to have it right in front of him. Though such a ritual did not bring him companionship per se (people didn't spontaneously generate from thin air), but it did make him feel a little less abandoned, 

_Usually,_

because even though he was a romantic at heart, illusions and fantasies could only compensate so much for his solitude. Back on Earth, in reality, he was still a lonely little man who lived in his tiny, one-bedroom apartment.

Though he didn't want to think about it, Raj often wondered if soul-mates really existed. Academia had taught him to be skeptical. But, Raj didn't know how he could bear live the rest of his life if he knew for sure that the the hope of someday finding true love was false. Self-deceit had been of vital importance to the evolutionary history of humankind, after all.

Raj couldn't help but envy his other friends who had found more substantial partners than the one night stands he had scored in the past. Howard was so lucky to had found Bernadette, who loved and cared about him enough to want to spend the rest of her life with him. He had finally found someone to whom he could whisper his whole heart, upon whom he could lavish all of his pent-up passion.

They must be having the time of their lives on their honeymoon right now, or at least Raj hoped they would.

Raj missed Howard right now as much as he said he would. But he supposed that he had really been missing him for a long time, ever since Howard began dating Bernadette. They used to be together so much more often. They were inseparable, like Siamese twins. Raj was truly happy for his friend's new-found relationship, but when one had shared such a profound connection with another person for years, having to suddenly be apart from them was painful. They could only manage to see each other a few times a week anymore, if that. And because Howard was no longer single, they couldn't really go anywhere, lest to arouse suspicion. They could only stay in Raj's flat, watch a few movies, maybe fuck around a little. But it was enough.

No one else could understand the true nature of their relationship, which was why it had been kept a secret for all this time. Then again, Raj didn't know exactly what their lying together naked and sweaty on his single bed, precluded about their relationship either. But, not everything in this world had to be approached with precision, nor regimentally. Sometimes, beauty laid in uncertainty. He and Howard had only ever done what felt natural to them, and everything else just fell into place from then on.

The ideal storybook ending to all of this would have been Howard returning to Raj to save him from his lovelorn self, and they would have lived happily ever after. Yay. But he knew, sadly, that Howard was not to come back for another week. _Damn it_. Raj let his head fall with a loud, painful, yet sobering smack before shooting another gulp from the bottle he now held. He didn't know what happened to his glass.

So, when Howard did eventually come into Raj's apartment that night, he received quite an enthusiastic, drunken welcome. Raj hopped up from his chair, dashed over as quickly as his lethargic legs could oscillate back and forth, and kissed the life out of him. Raj didn't care that he looked like a fool, he was just too glad that his episode of hopeless romance ended happily. Besides, it was _Howard_, and he had seen him do a lot worse.

Nothing had changed between them, despite Howard's new status. They spoke and acted around each other as if it hadn't happened at all. Neither of them wanted anything to be different. What they had was special, almost sacred, and Raj thought that their intentional innocence of surrounding issues only made it even more so. Howard grabbed Raj's hands, leaned over, and gave him one simple kiss, setting off what felt like a whole jar of butterflies in his tummy. Raj could not remember the last time he felt this excited about anything.

They eventually got sleepy and crashed on the couch, after an hour or two of shenanigans, of course. Raj laid on top of Howard, trying to snuggle even more closely with his life-sized, quasi-anorexic version of a teddy bear. It felt like they had not left the couch at all, that no time had passed since their last meeting. But Raj supposed that the moments spent with someone who meant everything to him were, in essence, timeless.

Howard turned to give Raj another, longer kiss on the forehead before whispering, "You know, I could only think of you when I was with Bernie."

Raj grinned against Howard's bare, pale shoulder. He wanted to believe, and therefore chose to believe that Howard felt the same way.

Howard helped himself to the second glass of wine that had otherwise been left untouched.

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><p>Please review. Or else I won't write more. ;)<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Howard Wolowitz had been handling his new married life quite well, or so he believed. He and Bernadette had moved into a new apartment just last week, much to his mother's dismay. The place was quaint but cozy, with basic utilities, cable TV, and an extra nursery room for the twins they were expecting. It wasn't much, but he supposed it was enough for him, for the time being. Howard didn't like to bite off more than he could chew.

Despite her rigourous work life, Bernadette had finally been approved for maternity leave. Postponing her 2-million dollar government research grant would have required nothing less than a miracle performed by a God on drugs, but it happened anyway. Which meant, she was at home all the time now, and Howard was left to pamper her heavy, hormonally-possessed body. He tended to her every wish, which often included fetching her ice cream in the middle of the night and giving her foot massages. Lest he'd feel her infernal wrath. Though Howard found it extremely annoying, he bit his tongue and did exactly what his dragon lady commanded. She was getting off work to carry _his_ kids, after all.

But thankfully, Bernadette wasn't home today. So, instead of having a ticking time bomb as a companion, he had Raj.

Though they couldn't spend as much time together as they used to, Howard made it one of his top priorities to get together with Raj at least once a week. In secret, of course. He had no business in letting anyone else, especially Bernadette, know of their relationship. It was not like he had gotten tired of her already. Howard simply needed a break every once in a while. That's all. Every man got tired of being a man sometimes, and he was no exception. Plus, the sex was good, so Howard couldn't complain.

Raj was cuddling so close, no, burrowing so deeply into Howard's cradle that it made Howard want to grow out bigger arms just so he could protect him from the cold January air that was seeping into their room and through the bedsheets. Though he was to cheap to turn the heater on, Howard was warm, so warm that he could feel his whole world melt away, feel the fabric of time and space unthreading around him, just from looking into Raj's eyes. His eyes... It was like staring into oceans of... uh... something sweet, something warm, like hot chocolate. His lips, his skin even tasted like it.

Howard bent down to kiss his big baby's sweaty forehead. How he wished that this very instant could last for all of eternity.

But, something had to ruin it.

"I love you, Howard," Howard had heard Raj say. His voice was soft, soft enough that it almost could not have been heard. Perhaps it was because Howard didn't want to hear it in the first place. He wished he had not heard that... Oh, how he wished he had not heard what he had dreaded to hear all this time... Howard did not want to deal with _this_ right now... Damn it, damn it, damn it!

"I'm leaving," Raj said simply, many moments later, his cold words slicing through Howard's train of thoughts like a fire-hot razor. Raj yanked Howard's arms off his body and jumped out of the bed. Howard had then realized just how long he had been hesitating to say those three little words back to Raj. Damn, Raj must have thought he was the biggest douche right now, he knew he felt like the biggest douche right now.

Howard got up as quickly as he could to chase after Raj, who was now furiously struggling to put on his shirt. He lunged at the taller man, throwing his arms around his waist, as if he was trying to bring down a quarterback, crashing all of his body weight into him so he wouldn't leave. Raj couldn't leave yet, Howard was going to fix this. He had to fix it.

"Let me go, Howard," Raj said quietly, but dangerously.

Howard merely... chuckled at his command, though was surprised at how dry it managed to sound. "Come back," he found himself begin to whisper cloyingly into Raj's ear. He hoped that by pretending what had happened never happened, he could somehow seduce Raj back into bed with him, and everything would be fine. That was his plan, and, as usual, Howard's logic made as much sense as a flaming umbrella.

"And what, be your fuck-buddy?" Raj snapped, standing still like a statue in Howard's embrace, his fingers digging into the unworn shirt he still clutched in his hand.

Howard sighed dramatically and walked up to Raj, still unwilling to abandon his charade. "Well dude, obviously we can't be any more than that," he said reasonably, "What do you want me to do, leave her?"

Raj looked at him for a painfully long time, his gaze expressionless, illegible. Though Howard could see that pools of tears were beginning to swell up in his eyes, Raj never actually allowed himself to cry. "I want you to think about it," he shrugged, before walking away.

Howard remained utterly frozen, speechless, until his apartment door clicked, and Raj was gone for good.

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><p>Howard took the step ahead to open the door for his Bernadette, who, thanks to her delicate condition, was panting and heaving from the short walk from their home to the Cheesecake Factory. Tonight was one of the rare nights in which she was not a pain in the ass, so Howard figured it was appropriate that he took her out for dinner. Putting his one arm around her shoulders to keep her fatigued body from tipping over, he walked them up to Penny, who just happened to be their waitress for the night.<p>

"Oh look, it's Howard and his wife Bernadette!", she greeted with artificial enthusiasm, waving her arms in a happy dance. She hated Howard as much as good friends were allowed to do so. He was a pretentious, arrogant, conceited bastard who did not deserve Bernadette.

"Hello, Penny!" Howard replied with the same insincerity, tilting his head endearingly and forcing his face into a stiff, jack-o-lantern grin.

The nerve of that woman! He _always_ looked presentable, and Bernie also managed to not look like a fat pregnant mess tonight. So what the flying fuck was her problem?

Raj, with whom he had not been with in weeks, had turned Howard into a crotchety old man. Howard tried to forget about Raj, he really did. But, all that ended up happening was that everyone in the group had to suffer from Howard's perpetual, and tenfold more deadly version of PMS.

Howard turned over and shoved Bernie into a grouchy, sour kiss. They broke apart, eventually, and Howard lead her into their table, where they took their seats next to each other in silence.

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><p>As opposed to actually eating it, Howard preferred poking at his meat loaf repeatedly with a fork instead. He wasn't hungry, because whenever his mind was troubled by something, his digestive tract became as exclusive as the Garden of Eden.<p>

Oh sweet mother of God, he carved a smiley face!

"Howard," Bernadette's gentle voice smacked Howard right back into reality. He shuddered a bit, mentally prepping himself for another of her nagging sessions. They were tedious, pointless talks that tried to coax him into taking more responsibility, to do more stuff for her. Howard inwardly sighed. With women, one had to be patient, Howard had told himself repeatedly.

However, Howard knew that even if he had won the lottery for her, and bought her a whole fucking mountain of diamond jewelry, tampons, and those gay chick-flick DVD's (which made him think of Raj again), Bernadette still wouldn't be satisfied, so what was the point?

Instead, all he wanted to do was to punch the stupid bitch in the mouth, and give her an abortion with his foot.

Howard felt no regret, no guilt, from having thoughts like that. He _couldn't_ feel any guilt, nor have any second thoughts about the monster he had become. Raj was gone, and nothing else mattered anymore.

So, Howard smiled stiffly and tossed at her acknowledging nod, as if to say, "Yes, I am still listening to all your nonsense." He couldn't do anything more than that. They were in public, and he was wearing his good suit. so he obviously couldn't use his irritation at Bernadette as an excuse to throw a temper tantrum like he wanted to.

A part of Howard didn't even want to think too nicely of, or be too nice to Bernadette anymore. Yes, a few years back, when they first started dating, she was his queen, his goddess. He had allowed himself to worship her. Her convenient entrance into his life had made her the outlet onto which he had unleashed all of his previous desperate, hopeless romance. Ever since he hit puberty, Howard had wanted a beautiful girl to hold and kiss. He had wanted to marry one ever since he met Penny for the first time. Well, it was before he had learned to hate her. His long held dream was now fulfilled, and Bernadette was just... _there_, kept as a trophy of his past victory.

This must a common symptom between all married men, Howard believed, that one would eventually grow weary of their wife.

However, Howard scrapped these thoughts upon thinking back, rather inadvertently, to Raj. Had he followed this theory, Raj therefore would have been Bernadette's replacement. Howard's next target, per se. No, Howard rejected these claims. Raj was not like that, he meant so much more to him.

As hot as if may had been that he was keeping Raj as a slutty mistress on the side, Raj was not, Howard would never allow him to become, the second Bernadette.

Raj was too important in Howard's heart to deserve such cruelty. It sickened him to think about the prospect of ever doing to him what he had done to his wife. Though Raj was only his lover, and had caused Howard to break a few of the ten commandments which he followed rather hypocritically, they had only ever done what felt natural to them. Howard never forced himself into being with Raj. Instead, he blamed it all on the force of gravity. He _fell_ into their friendship, _fell_ into their first kiss, _fell_ into Raj's bed, and _fell_...

Well, Howard did love him. He always had. But, it took years excruciating mental torture to admit this fact. So, if it took all this time to tell it to himself, how could he have told Raj that he loved him right on the spot like he had been forced to?

Howard almost didn't even want to tell Raj that he loved him. Ever. Or else, their love would have felt too... real, too real than what he could handle. He did not want to be in an actual relationship with Raj, nor write the paperwork that came with this formality, nor have to face all the odds that would be turned against them if their relationship were to be come legitimate. Howard didn't want to bring them into reality. What they had shared was perfect, ethereal, even, and he would have committed the world's greatest sin if he had done anything to perturb this delicate bond that time itself had stopped for.

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><p>Please review, thanks! Sorry, but don't expect another update until mid to late November. School is hard, dude.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Yes, Howard had a horrible temper. But, whatever. The important thing was that he could hide it very well. Unless he was drunk or something, no one could ever tell that Howard was angry, or depressed, or upset. Well, except for Raj. But then again, Raj was Howard's sole exception for everything. Though Howard did not become enthralled as often as he used to, Raj was still concerned about his choice of method in administrating these emotions when they did arise. He didn't particularly think it was healthy that Howard was bottling inside all of this craziness of wanting to choke babies, or to throw puppies into a blender, or to even throw himself into said blender. It was perhaps from how his eyes would start to twitch even more rapidly than usual, or the distinct shade of red to which his face would turn, or how his body would stiffen up like a rock that Raj could see that this was really hurting him. Raj wanted to help, but was he still angry at Howard? Of course.

Bernadette had gone into labour a couple of hours ago, at around midnight. But because she had been carrying twins, and her petite body had rendered her most likely unable to even deliver one child alive, she had been forced into surgery. Howard, on the other hand, had been left to sit in the waiting room with Raj, who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time because Bernadette, who was often oblivious to everything, _insisted_ that he stayed for a rather awkward dinner at their place before her water broke.

Raj hated how Howard was too proud to allow himself to break down and cry, or even show a sliver of weakness in public, because it was not what "real men" did. Bullshit. He looked like a man all right, a demented one sitting in his padded cell of a hospital seat with his twiggy, quivering limbs crumpled up together like a haystack. Raj just couldn't bring himself to understand why Howard was still trying to pull off this stupid skit in such a desperate situation like this. How pretentious could the bastard get? Sighing, Raj took Howard's shaking body into his arms, as Howard mauled into his embrace almost reflexively, digging his fingers into the back of Raj's sweater. Raj knew how much Howard hated crying in front of people, even himself. But he found it hard to blame him, scold him, or to point out his hypocrisy when he heard those ugly, wheezing sobs coming from a wet patch on his shoulder. Instead, he sighed and weaved his fingers through Howard's hair, soothing out those greasy knots, and whispered, as patiently as he could, that everything was going to be all right, while silently, he prayed to the gods that Howard wouldn't lose his mind completely.

However, Raj did find that the tugs he gave to Howard's scalp might have been rather hard, and his supposedly comforting tone a _little_ too cold than intended. Well, he tried to be comforting. He really did. And Howard, in his current state, did not seem to notice anyways. Raj was supposed to be mad at him and not be caring in the first place.

Raj pryed apart from Howard's hug, thus preventing himself from being asphyxiated by the strength he didn't know the little guy had. Howard looked up at him in response, his dilated, pitch-black pupils brimmed with desperation, tugging at Raj's heart like a lost, though... still maniacal child at the sleeve of a stranger. Raj couldn't resist cuddling Howard back into his arms, and hated himself for it.

Raj knew that Howard wanted, needed nothing right now but his attention, and a weakness of heart caused him to give in. Heck, Raj was flattering himself, at this point, Howard would have settled with getting attention from any random person. So how could he have been so stupid to have tossed away the little self pride he had for the sake of realizing this.. fantasy that he had concocted in the first place to make his lonely life more bearable? Another weakness of heart had leaped him into this little affair, and it had gotten him nothing in the end but a stab on the neck.

Though his mind was screaming, "no" as loudly as silent screams could have been, Raj took Howard's stiff, cold hands into his. He held them tightly, as if he was trying to swallow them with warmth. Bending down, he planted his lips barely, briefly on Howard's pale cheek, as if he wanted to, but didn't have permission to do that. Though Howard did offer for him to do it a second time, Raj refused to kiss him again.

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><p>Sunlight was finally peeking out from the thick, gloomy layer of clouds that had been covering the sky. Thin were these young rays, as if they were scared to come out of hiding, scared to face a new day. Tonight had been frightening indeed. But in the end, Bernadette came out fine, and now, she and Howard were parents to a boy and girl. Raj mindlessly smiled a little, not at anyone or anything in particular, however. He was alone. He had tried to be happy for the couple, he really did. He stayed in the hospital room with them for as long as he could, despite the hot, hot sickness that was beginning to boil at the pit of his stomach. He watched silently as Howard held his Bernie like he would a sick bunny, cupping her small hands in his so gingerly, like they were going to shatter if he didn't, while Raj had nothing to hold but his angry tummy, so he wouldn't vomit all over the bed. This had been the first time Raj actually felt disgust from watching them together. Their tenderness, their love. Watching them was as painful as watching the sun. So, he managed to slip away as quietly as possible, minding to not disturb them. Not that they would have missed him anyways.<p>

He was now standing under the building, leaning his back against the wall. The darkness of night had been completely washed away. A blushing pink had flooded through the clouds' thin crevices, making the sky look like one huge opal. Though Raj was no smoker, he wished he had a cigarette right now just to blow some heat into the chilly February air. The scenery was nice here. That was Raj's excuse for having long overstayed his welcome at the hospital.

"I'm so sorry, Raj." said the slumping, visibly exhausted Howard who was now standing before him. There were dark circles under his eyes the size of golf balls, and it looked like someone had carved wrinkles into his face with a knife. He couldn't have managed to speak those words without plunging into a spell of raw, dry coughs. It seemed like he gave up half of his life just to walk down from the maternity wing to find Raj. Howard really looked like he needed another hug right now. But, Raj refused to have any of it.

Raj's first instinct had been to shove Howard to the ground and beat him into 97 pounds of bloody pulp, like how he had wanted to for weeks. He definitely could have, even if Howard had been in perfect shape. But Raj knew he couldn't, he could never bear to hurt him. But, at the very least, he needed an explanation as to why Howard was standing here now, when he had kept his sex toy locked up in the closet for all this time.

"Why are you sorry?" Raj asked, trying to keep his anger silent and invisible.

Howard licked his lips, shook his head back and forth slowly, started, stopped, and started again, as if this, too, had been troubling him for a long time. "Because," he said finally, in a deeper, softer tone that even Raj had never heard, "I couldn't tell you that I loved you before." His face was scrunched in frustration, desperation, he could barely catch his breath as he spoke, "But I do, I do love you, Raj, I always have."

Howard gave him a small, bittersweet smile after he finished. It was the kind of smile that would have broken anyone's heart. Howard may as well as have been kneeling on the ground, hugging Raj's legs with all his strength so he wouldn't leave him. Raj closed his eyes for a moment, opened them, and said quietly, "Prove it."

Howard shuddered a nod, and let his lips simply fall on Raj's without saying anything more. Words would have just ruined the moment, Howard had already said enough. But the way Howard's mouth cuckholed Raj's, like two feathery pillows, or the way his hand grazed over blushing cheeks that somehow made his cold fingertips feel warmer, actually made Raj believe that Howard really meant it this time. It felt as if Howard had given everything he had to him, sealed one single kiss. Raj couldn't help but take it. All rational sense that Raj had melted under his touch.

"We will make this work," Howard said, looking straight into Raj's eyes, without blinking, "I promise."

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><p>It was awfully late, perhaps one or two in the morning. Raj, who was too skeptical to be wandering around this part of town during the day, would have never agreed to do so at such an ominous time as this. But this was the first time he and Howard got to be together since what happened at the hospital, so he was willing to bend his rule. They hadn't said much to each other all night, and Raj liked it that way. Howard had a big mouth. But then again, if he did say something stupid, Raj would have forgiven him with a shut-up kiss anyways. They were happy to just be with each other. There wasn't enough time for leading on fussy fights.<p>

It was one of those typical April nights. The air felt cool, refreshing, yet not frigid. It smelt of life and hope as much as it did of decay. Spring was a season of irony, of indeterminate abstraction. Though, Raj had long tried to derive mathematical principles that explained, precisely, the various psychological, sociological, and biological properties of this annual phenomenon, because he was lame that way, and that he had been friends with Sheldon for too long. But, after many failed mental masturbatory sessions, he had given up, and just let himself soak in all the whooziness that Spring brought him, much like how he and Howard were now skipping hand-in-hand across an abandoned alleyway in downtown Pasadena like a pair of "special" 5-year olds, with the misty, slightly gasoline-singed April rain billowing through their faces.

They came to a stop at the intersection, collapsed into each others' arms, and somehow broke into a simultaneous fit of laughter, perhaps at their own foolishness. Raj had been caught in his own infinite loop of choking giggles, and probabily would have happily died if it weren't for Howard, who saved him by taking his breath with a kiss, reducing Raj's laughs into hiccups afterwards.

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><p>The night was, if possible, even more quiet now. The clouds have thinned enough for what was a stained glass resolution of the moon to be visible. The finger-like branches of the tree they were sitting under made it look as if the amorphous moon, like white sacred fire, was being held by someone's hand. The little time they had together, so far, had been perfect, a little too perfect for Raj's liking. There was an elephant in the room, and he had to get rid of it, even though it broke his heart to destroy such a wonderful moment like this.<p>

Raj shifted his head to a more comfortable spot on Howard's lap, and looked up to face him who was fondly, lazily playing with Raj's hair. Raj swallowed, and said, "Say, I never got to congratulate you on being a father," trying to toss as much nonchalance as he could into his words.

Howard smiled hesitantly, and blinked a couple of times before saying, slowly, "Thanks, Raj," and resumed back to brushing his hair with his hands, stiffly.

"Well, how are the twins doing?" Raj pressed on, articulating his words with as much gentleness as he could muster. He had gotten up from Howard's lap, and found himself stabbing his gaze into Howard's as he spoke. His body language did little to hide his slight irritation, and undeniable jealousy.

"Raj," Howard answered patiently after taking a deep breath, like a mother assuring her child for the zenith time that monsters didn't exist, "Let's not talk about this right now. You are all I care about." He took those shrivelled little hands out from Raj's coat pocket and tried to open his stubborn fingers. Howard wanted Raj to trust him, so badly.

Raj, who decided it wasn't worth it to be such a pain in the ass around him for too long, relaxed his hands and let Howard take them.

"Okay," Raj shrugged, and let his head fall back on Howard's lap. As long as Howard loved him, nothing else mattered, he told himself.

Fin.

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><p>Sorry for the bad ending. I hope you liked reading it. Thank you so much for the reviews. =D Best wishes, Salty Peanuts.<p> 


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